Friday, March 16, 2007

Entertainment

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How to be Indie Star

  • Live in a city with a strong indie movie scene. Austin, San Francisco, London, and Seattle are good choices. You'll just be another pretty face in New York or Los Angeles.
  • Offer to work in movies for free. Even though you're not getting paid, learn your lines and always act like a professional.
  • Make lots of friends who want to make movies. You can use each other in your films, so if one of you makes it big, you all will.
  • If acting isn't your strong suit, stay behind the camera. Stick to writing screenplays (see the how to list), producing, and directing.
  • Gain inspiration from reading the biographies of your favorite indie film stars. Did you know that a 16-year-old Tim Roth allegedly wet his pants from stage fright before going onstage for a production of Dracula?
  • How to Watch TV

    Here's How:
    1. Turn down all invitations to Oscar parties. You don't want to be with the people who cheered for Shakespeare in Love and shouted 'I'm the king of the world!' with James Cameron.
    2. Enter Tim Roth in all write-in polls you can find for Best Director for [i]The War Zone[/i]. Sneer at everybody who tells you they don't like those kinds of movies because they 'make them feel sad.'
    3. Watch at home in comfortable clothes. That way, if Hilary and Chloe win, you can dance without fear of spilling something on yourself. And if The Green Mile wins, you can go straight to bed.
    4. Do make popcorn and have other snacks available. You'll have to have some way to amuse yourself during all of the American Beauty acceptance speeches.
    5. Log onto the Independent/World Film Oscar chat and share your cheers and disgust with the rest of us.
    6. Start drinking during the pre-show. Take a shot for each time a commentator compares an actress to Audrey Hepburn.
    7. Marvel that the poor people in California have to start watching this hokum around 4 p.m.: much too early for cocktails.
    8. Make really loud obvious fake laughing noises at all the dumb jokes written for the presenters. Don't stop laughing until they show the movie clip.
    9. Try to see if Kevin Spacey brought a date. The year he won he brought his mother, and you're starting to suspect he's gay. Although he was with a woman in a really gaudy green print at the SAG Awards.
    10. Cross your fingers so that Samantha Morton will win so you can hear her speak.
    11. Write down all the names of the short and animated films. This may be the first and only time you ever hear of them. Ask for them at your local, non-chain video store.
    12. Clap and scream loudly anytime someone remotely indie wins. Go to bed satisfied that indie film had a good showing, even though you wish they'd sent Annette home to Warren crying.